Listen now | Are your kids not getting along? Confused about how to peacefully manage kids doing things they shouldn’t? Tune in to this week’s coaching call!
When I heard the part about the boy who was the "public abuser" I don't think I'd take the advice offered (Hey, buddy what's happening ...etc) because I think that creates shame because he knows he did something mean and probably isn't going to be able to tell you about it. He feelings are probably conflicted because he'd feel bad he hurt her, but also good because he feels animosity toward her. How I'm perceiving this situation is that if he chooses a public arena to pick on his sister, it's because he doesn't feel safe enough to pick on her in the home, and he's feeling powerless to effect positive change. He needs to feel like the centre of attention more often. I might give him a sad look and say his name so he'd stop. I'd support the "victim" and at a later time, when we're alone, I'd love him up as much as I could, reminding him of all his great and unique points, and how much he contributes love and happiness to the family, how your family just wouldn't be the same without him. Then I might ask him how he felt about hurting his sister. Then listen, reassure him again and make mental notes to remind him often of his specialness and give him more of my attention daily. I also might give him an (innocuous) example of when I had conflicted feelings where I felt both good and bad my behaviour. It's good to acknowledge all of our parts so that we don't harbour shame about being human. Life is often paradoxical and we can all a mystery to ourselves at times.
When I heard the part about the boy who was the "public abuser" I don't think I'd take the advice offered (Hey, buddy what's happening ...etc) because I think that creates shame because he knows he did something mean and probably isn't going to be able to tell you about it. He feelings are probably conflicted because he'd feel bad he hurt her, but also good because he feels animosity toward her. How I'm perceiving this situation is that if he chooses a public arena to pick on his sister, it's because he doesn't feel safe enough to pick on her in the home, and he's feeling powerless to effect positive change. He needs to feel like the centre of attention more often. I might give him a sad look and say his name so he'd stop. I'd support the "victim" and at a later time, when we're alone, I'd love him up as much as I could, reminding him of all his great and unique points, and how much he contributes love and happiness to the family, how your family just wouldn't be the same without him. Then I might ask him how he felt about hurting his sister. Then listen, reassure him again and make mental notes to remind him often of his specialness and give him more of my attention daily. I also might give him an (innocuous) example of when I had conflicted feelings where I felt both good and bad my behaviour. It's good to acknowledge all of our parts so that we don't harbour shame about being human. Life is often paradoxical and we can all a mystery to ourselves at times.