“An emphasis on values instead of rules raises kids who do the right thing when no one is looking.” - Sarah Rosensweet
So much of peaceful parenting is centered around understanding and teaching "the why"- both the why of kids’ behavior and the why of our expectations.
Conventional parenting mostly emphasizes obedience and rules- “Be respectful. Don’t talk back. Do what you’re told.”
Peaceful parenting emphasizes guiding children and providing scaffolding so that they grow to know the right thing to do- and question authority and abuse of power if they see injustice.
While kids are still learning and maturing, parents often get pushback in the form of questioning expectations and even disobedience. Our actions after the pushback or disobedience shape who our kids become as they grow up.
Recently I had a big conversation with a client about this. She was saying that while she was on board with a lot of peaceful parenting, she still felt her child should do what she’s told.
She gave an example of her 5 year old and strong-willed daughter hiding in the playground when it was time to go in, instead of coming when the teacher called the class. This kiddo thought it was both fun and funny to have a little extra time on the playground. This had happened a few times and the parents and teacher were getting understandably upset.
My client, her partner and the teacher were trying to figure out what sort of consequence might make this kid respect the rule of coming when the teacher called everyone in.
I wondered aloud if that was necessary. (And even if they could find a consequence that “worked,” in peaceful parenting we don’t believe in using adult-imposed consequences to change a child’s behaviour. More on why here.)
I suggested a problem solving conversation instead. Had anyone discussed with her child WHY she should come when the teacher calls? Did she understand the why (the value) behind the rule?
My client went away and had a conversation with her child where they asked her if she knew why the teacher wanted everyone to come in and not hide when she called. They explained that it was the teacher’s job to keep everyone safe and it was really stressing the teacher out to think she might have lost a child!
Guess what? She stopped hiding from her teacher at the end of recess. She didn’t want her teacher to feel stressed out and worried.
When their daughter understood the “why” she followed the rule.
In this case, having more fun and what she thought was a good joke outweighed following the rules. However, the value of caring about the feelings of other people was something she understood and cared about.
Some of you might be thinking, “But shouldn’t this child just have listened to the teacher in the first place? Shouldn’t we teach kids to follow rules?”
What we are really talking about here is the development of conscience rather than obedience.
Sometimes in the world there are rules that are not just or fair and there are people who abuse their power. If we want our children to speak out against injustice, we need to be okay with them not blindly following rules and speaking up when they see unfairness and abuse of power.
In the book The Myth of the Spoiled Child, Alfie Kohn writes about raising reflective rebels. The goal is neither knee-jerk obedience nor knee-jerk refusal, but thoughtful questioning and the freedom and confidence to question rules that don’t seem just or fair.
Kohn writes:
In my experience, most parents sincerely want their children to be assertive, independent thinkers who are unafraid to stand their ground . . . with their peers. When a child demonstrates the identical sort of courage in interactions with them, it’s a different story: At best, it’s a troublesome phase that kids go through; at worst, it’s an example of uncooperative, disrespectful, disobedient, defiant behavior that must be stamped out. The truth is that if we want children to be able to resist peer pressure and grow into principled and brave adults, we have to actively welcome their questioning and being assertive with us. We have to move beyond our need to win arguments and impose our will, beyond our fear that we’ll be seen as weak or permissive if our kids are given leave to challenge us.
Do kids sometimes get it wrong by questioning or not following rules that are actually good? (Such as coming in when recess is over!)
Of course. They are learning about the world and need our guidance.
When our children are acting out, we always start by trying to understand "the why" behind their behavior. Once we have a better idea why they are behaving the way they are, we can offer them the information, support and guidance they need.
When we guide a child and refer to our values, we are teaching them WHY their behavior matters.
If you don’t want your child to pull on the dog’s tail, talk to them about not hurting other beings (value) rather than “no pulling the dog’s tail” (rule.)
If you don’t want them to throw a ball in the house, talk to them about not damaging property (value) rather than “no throwing balls in the house” (rule.)
It can be a lot of work and feel annoying when kids don’t just do what they’re told.
Kids not following the rules can even sometimes feel like troublemaking. But as the late American politician and civil rights activist John Lewis said, “Never, ever be afraid to make some noise and get in good trouble, necessary trouble.”
When kids understand "the why", they learn to think and act beyond their own self-interest.
When kids internalize "the why", they want to do the right thing when no one is looking.
When we welcome kids questioning the rules and their need to understand the why behind them, we are raising children who not only do the right thing when no one is looking, but stand up and say something when power is being abused.
xx Sarah and Corey, your peaceful parenting team
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